[ he abandons his post at the bookstore at once, runs through the town to the boarding house. cursing her under his breath all the way. why didn't she contact him sooner? reach out? fucking letting him worry about her like this –
but it all evaporates into thin air when he barges into the room and sees the familiar figure on the bed.
he's instantly there. his arms wrap tightly around her as he pulls her to himself, half off the bed. ]
she thinks of how john had closed his hands around hers, clutching them, holding himself back from the strangeness of intimacy. questioned first. and how aristaeus had held his distance, commanded her to approach him as some strange bargain. how he had inspected her as she'd asked, but with such controlled remove that you would not guess he had missed it.
felipe buries himself against her, a desperate press of bodies that stuns mavis. she takes a moment to melt into it, to wrap her arms around him in turn, to find a comfortable way to slot themselves together as she gets her feet under her, straightens to meet him.
for a moment, she is silent, just breathing him in. it is warm and comforting, yet it makes her eyes well up because it cracks the door open to weakness, too. it gives her room to come apart, to be anything other than a survivor who trudges from one tragedy to the next.
she sniffs and shakes her head against his chest. ] You were asking about me.
[ at first it doesn't even strikes him as odd that she's allowing him to hold her so closely. he's just so relieved to see her again.
when she presses against him, he exhales softly, tips his head so he can rest his forehead on the top of her head and brush his nose in her hair. enjoy the quiet and the short moment when he can dare to hope that everything will be okay and forgiven. ]
Of course. [ his hand draws a soothing circle over her back. carefully, because she feels even thinner than he remembered. ] I thought – [ no, he better keep those memories out of his head. ] I was worried.
[ she says this instead of poking at whether or not felipe is right to worry. instead of exploring her own thoughts about if she is, indeed, herself, if it is fine. if this is recoverable.
her grip on him tightens. ]
Daryl, too. [ which raises her original point, ] You killed him.
Daryl? [ that name seems to hit him like a bucket of ice cold water. he leans away so that he can see her face but keeps his arms around her. ] He was in the castle too? How?
[ Felipe's heart is pounding hard again. the possibility of seeing Daryl again is terrifying and exhilarating. he only wishes that Mavis would stop using the word "kill". there's some hesitation before he speaks again. ]
I left you there in the Void. [ he confesses, shame rippling through him violently. that's what really would have killed them. not the monsters but his weakness and cowardice. ]
[ how could she? she was dead. and then suddenly, she was not dead, she only felt like it, but she was conscious of all of it, lying there under the duchess' hand, unable to cry out. knowing only the pain of her death every instant. ]
Did you kill him? [ she's confused, honestly, how felipe could have overtaken daryl. she knows that she had held herself back, afraid to hurt him, that it would not have been so hard she thinks if she had only tried, and that daryl dying as well only makes sense, and that it therefore must have been felipe, but —
felipe had also held himself back, when it came time to use violence against her in order to get her to the boarding house. he had eschewed it, grown uncomfortable hedged and second-guessed. yet he had killed daryl. ]
[ that's ominous, but guess it doesn't matter how as long as they're both okay. he knows he isn't going to start second guessing this – the opportunity to have his life back and lose the killer title. ]
No. It wasn't me. [ he shakes his head, unwilling to go through this conversation again. Mavis is lucky to have missed him hitting the absolute rock bottom. ] I... turned, but it wasn't me. I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have hurt Daryl.
[ if he repeats it enough, it'll become true, right? ]
[ ah. she understands. she tips her forehead against the side of felipe's neck, seeking bare skin. it feels better, that way, she has learned. she can feel his warmth through his clothes, but there is a different sense that comes from skin-to-skin contact.
she knows because her monster is ravenous for it. her monster. her. ]
What is 'me'?
[ she mumbles it quietly, almost like she's not expecting an answer. but she has been wondering it, too. not just about her monster and how unrecognizable she felt those foggy memories were, but this version of herself that the duchess had brought back, and how she didn't feel close to anything, and how she didn't feel enough at all, even though aristaeus said she was indistinguishable.
[ Felipe steps back too, gives her some space. was the hug too much? thinking that she's speaking of the transformation, he reaches to brush some hair off her face. ]
You're still the same. The monster's just another experience. You've changed, but you're still you. [ it's like having sex for the first time. or something. Louis put it more eloquently. Felipe has thought about what he said, but definitely cherry picked the parts that best fit his own narrative. ]
[ she nods, and as she sees him find a seat on one of the beds, she thinks about how good it feels to have him back in this room, and how very much she would like to simply rest her head there in his lap, like she had seen children do with their parents, and let the world be quiet for a while.
she smothers that thought and instead sits beside him, though she does reach her hand how to rest on his where it sits on his thigh.
you've changed, but you're still you.
when does it become too much change? when does she become unrecognizable? what if she has ruined 'her'? ]
[ without a word, he takes her hand and laces their fingers together. ]
Here?
[ he's been sleeping around, mostly at Quentin's, since being alone here felt depressing. not to mention that he didn't want to run into Aristaeus again. Leah didn't seem to want to see him anymore, but he's wary of that fucking guy. not that he's ever let healthy fear affect his decision making before. ]
[ he watches her make herself small again, put up a barrier of limbs between them. his first thought is too peel her open, force himself back into her life, but he figures he should at least say what's been on his mind before doing that. it was easier before he got to actually know her. instead he just squeezes her hand. ]
I'm sorry. I don't know what happened between us that night.
[ well, he has some idea. he smiles weakly, stares at the floor. ]
You acted like a kid, yelled at me, and I was scared that I'd hurt you if I stayed. I know... what I should have done, but it didn't feel right.
[ she studies him openly for a moment, a little furrow forming in her brow. acted like a kid. she lets go of her legs, puts her feet back on the floor, and sits properly, but only so that she can punch him in the abdomen. ]
[ she feels a little pang of guilt for hurting him, admittedly — no matter what he had done to daryl, he apparently is exactly as weak and fragile as she'd believed (sigh). but mostly, she's just feeling satisfied with herself for getting a message across, finally. she's aware she's not the best communicator, but it's hard to misunderstand a fist. ]
Now you know better for next time. [ she puts her hand on his back, as if to help him through the pain she had caused. ] Let me yell at you. Don't decide for me. Don't hide from it. It will be worse if you do.
[ this friendship is going to get him killed. almost did already. he rubs his face, can't believe this. ]
Oh, yeah? [ jesus fucking christ. what if he dies of an internal bleeding. what then Mavis??? ] So it doesn't matter what I'll do? You'll just take it?
[ all conversations with mavis are punctuated by awkward silences. lapses where she doesn't know what to put in, where she clearly loses the cadence of the thing. she has no automatic inclination towards verbal reply, the way other people seem to.
this is one of those, but it feels especially pronounced. like skidding to a halt.
she looks away from him, grappling with what to say — because how pathetic does that sound? but the pathos of it doesn't change her answer. she grinds her teeth. ]
What, leave you? [ fuck it's hard to lie when you're talking to a telepath. Felipe slowly straightens his back. uses the moment to think of his answer. ]
I think I made the right choice. [ if he hadn't, things between them would be so awkward right now. he clears his throat. ] It wasn't a good idea.
No, stupid. [ she huffs. ] Go to Aristaeus. Would you do it again?
[ that's the difference. the difference between why she could welcome felipe back here, and why darcy would never come back. darcy wasn't sorry for what they had done. darcy chose kossos over mavis.
she can't promise that there's nothing felipe could do that would be too far, that would be a tipping point. but she knows it wasn't this because she's pretty sure she already knows the answer to the question she's asking. ]
[ oh, an easy question. his answer is quick and firm. it makes him frown as he remembers how Aristaeus ambushed him outside this room, acting all crazy. in fact it's a surprise that he hasn't barged in yet – unless Mavis already went to see him. ]
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on the first day of the month he got his hopes up but didn't actually dare to go check. ]
Mavis? Where are you?
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Room.
[ she's definitely not up for forcing spare words right now, so all he gets is the most essential answers. ]
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but it all evaporates into thin air when he barges into the room and sees the familiar figure on the bed.
he's instantly there. his arms wrap tightly around her as he pulls her to himself, half off the bed. ]
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she thinks of how john had closed his hands around hers, clutching them, holding himself back from the strangeness of intimacy. questioned first. and how aristaeus had held his distance, commanded her to approach him as some strange bargain. how he had inspected her as she'd asked, but with such controlled remove that you would not guess he had missed it.
felipe buries himself against her, a desperate press of bodies that stuns mavis. she takes a moment to melt into it, to wrap her arms around him in turn, to find a comfortable way to slot themselves together as she gets her feet under her, straightens to meet him.
for a moment, she is silent, just breathing him in. it is warm and comforting, yet it makes her eyes well up because it cracks the door open to weakness, too. it gives her room to come apart, to be anything other than a survivor who trudges from one tragedy to the next.
she sniffs and shakes her head against his chest. ] You were asking about me.
[ she had heard. ]
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when she presses against him, he exhales softly, tips his head so he can rest his forehead on the top of her head and brush his nose in her hair. enjoy the quiet and the short moment when he can dare to hope that everything will be okay and forgiven. ]
Of course. [ his hand draws a soothing circle over her back. carefully, because she feels even thinner than he remembered. ] I thought – [ no, he better keep those memories out of his head. ] I was worried.
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[ she says this instead of poking at whether or not felipe is right to worry. instead of exploring her own thoughts about if she is, indeed, herself, if it is fine. if this is recoverable.
her grip on him tightens. ]
Daryl, too. [ which raises her original point, ] You killed him.
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[ Felipe's heart is pounding hard again. the possibility of seeing Daryl again is terrifying and exhilarating. he only wishes that Mavis would stop using the word "kill". there's some hesitation before he speaks again. ]
I left you there in the Void. [ he confesses, shame rippling through him violently. that's what really would have killed them. not the monsters but his weakness and cowardice. ]
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[ how could she? she was dead. and then suddenly, she was not dead, she only felt like it, but she was conscious of all of it, lying there under the duchess' hand, unable to cry out. knowing only the pain of her death every instant. ]
Did you kill him? [ she's confused, honestly, how felipe could have overtaken daryl. she knows that she had held herself back, afraid to hurt him, that it would not have been so hard she thinks if she had only tried, and that daryl dying as well only makes sense, and that it therefore must have been felipe, but —
felipe had also held himself back, when it came time to use violence against her in order to get her to the boarding house. he had eschewed it, grown uncomfortable hedged and second-guessed. yet he had killed daryl. ]
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No. It wasn't me. [ he shakes his head, unwilling to go through this conversation again. Mavis is lucky to have missed him hitting the absolute rock bottom. ] I... turned, but it wasn't me. I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have hurt Daryl.
[ if he repeats it enough, it'll become true, right? ]
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she knows because her monster is ravenous for it. her monster. her. ]
What is 'me'?
[ she mumbles it quietly, almost like she's not expecting an answer. but she has been wondering it, too. not just about her monster and how unrecognizable she felt those foggy memories were, but this version of herself that the duchess had brought back, and how she didn't feel close to anything, and how she didn't feel enough at all, even though aristaeus said she was indistinguishable.
she pulls back. sways. ]
Sorry.
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[ Felipe steps back too, gives her some space. was the hug too much? thinking that she's speaking of the transformation, he reaches to brush some hair off her face. ]
You're still the same. The monster's just another experience. You've changed, but you're still you. [ it's like having sex for the first time. or something. Louis put it more eloquently. Felipe has thought about what he said, but definitely cherry picked the parts that best fit his own narrative. ]
Should we sit down?
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she smothers that thought and instead sits beside him, though she does reach her hand how to rest on his where it sits on his thigh.
you've changed, but you're still you.
when does it become too much change? when does she become unrecognizable? what if she has ruined 'her'? ]
Are you coming back?
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Here?
[ he's been sleeping around, mostly at Quentin's, since being alone here felt depressing. not to mention that he didn't want to run into Aristaeus again. Leah didn't seem to want to see him anymore, but he's wary of that fucking guy. not that he's ever let healthy fear affect his decision making before. ]
Do you want me to?
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after a moment of grappling with it, she nods. ]
Stop running.
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I'm sorry. I don't know what happened between us that night.
[ well, he has some idea. he smiles weakly, stares at the floor. ]
You acted like a kid, yelled at me, and I was scared that I'd hurt you if I stayed. I know... what I should have done, but it didn't feel right.
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Not a kid.
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Fuck! [ what happened to being weak and fragile because this time he actually is weak and fragile? ] That was a really fucking bratty thing to do!
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Now you know better for next time. [ she puts her hand on his back, as if to help him through the pain she had caused. ] Let me yell at you. Don't decide for me. Don't hide from it. It will be worse if you do.
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Oh, yeah? [ jesus fucking christ. what if he dies of an internal bleeding. what then Mavis??? ] So it doesn't matter what I'll do? You'll just take it?
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this is one of those, but it feels especially pronounced. like skidding to a halt.
she looks away from him, grappling with what to say — because how pathetic does that sound? but the pathos of it doesn't change her answer. she grinds her teeth. ]
Would you do it again?
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I think I made the right choice. [ if he hadn't, things between them would be so awkward right now. he clears his throat. ] It wasn't a good idea.
But I'm here now. I'm staying.
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[ that's the difference. the difference between why she could welcome felipe back here, and why darcy would never come back. darcy wasn't sorry for what they had done. darcy chose kossos over mavis.
she can't promise that there's nothing felipe could do that would be too far, that would be a tipping point. but she knows it wasn't this because she's pretty sure she already knows the answer to the question she's asking. ]
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[ oh, an easy question. his answer is quick and firm. it makes him frown as he remembers how Aristaeus ambushed him outside this room, acting all crazy. in fact it's a surprise that he hasn't barged in yet – unless Mavis already went to see him. ]
That was a mistake.
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[ a clear cause and effect. he knows it was a mistake, so she'll take it. she tips her head against his shoulder. ]
You do something stupid. Let me be mad. And I'll take it. Just don't do it again.
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