[ they can dissociate together. it'll be romantic.
when Felipe shows up to pick her up from work, he's also brought something – a bottle of wine and some flowers he got from the market. on the way to the lake he casually catches her hand and holds it as they walk. filling in every box in that perfect date bingo card. intent on making up for the horror castle.
the ducks are there waiting for them when they get to the lake and he points them out for her – an excuse to set his hand on her shoulder and get close. ]
We should go round from there. You sure you brought enough to eat for them all? [ because there's a lot of ducks. ] And us?
[ she laughs, slipping her arm around his back as he moves in close. less shy about it than he is, more willing to bump her hip against his and lean into the gentle touches that he has been building up over the short hike. ]
The goal isn't to feed every duck, you realize. [ but she has a canvas bag hanging over her opposite shoulder, full with stale bread for the ducks and less stale bread and cheese for the two of them. ]
[ seeing that she's not against his advances makes his heart do a happy little jig in his chest. he was prepared to take the slow route and yearn after her silently, but this is better than he even dared to hope for. ]
I wouldn't want any duck to go home hungry tonight.
[ there's a part of the lake where it narrows down and someone has placed stepping stones to enable crossing it. Felipe goes first. jumps from stone to stone and then waits on the opposite side for Alina to follow so he can catch her. ]
[ she is careful only on the first step — sticking out her foot to test the grip of her sole on it, ensuring that the boots are sturdy enough and not too slick on the wet stone.
satisfied, she skips across each step of the defacto path, reaching out to steady herself on him as she comes ashore and staggers into his arms.
there is a quickness about her breath and a twitch to the corners of her mouth that takes delight in these little acts of bravery, small transgressions. ]
[ he laughs, clearly pleased with her recklessness, and pulls her to himself as she comes flying from the pond. she's so animated, so full of life and he finds it difficult not to stare at her mouth and her dark lashes when she's in his arms. finally, a rare moment of stillness between them. ]
Got you.
[ he repeats, softer this time, drawing her so close to his chest that the flowers in the bag are in danger of being crushed. ]
[ he does. and she leans into him, savoring the closeness of the moment. she wants the simplicity of this. it feels like playing a role of a different alina, the alina that she might have been if she weren't the sun summoner or a saint or (apparently) the queen-to-be of ravka.
it feels like being in the meadow, with mal, but in this little dream, she can see felipe looking back at her with all the same wonder and hunger with which she had looked at mal for years, while he looked away.
and just like mal, he learns in that moment that the trouble isn't getting alina, but keeping her. she steadies herself in his arms, then withdraws, moving past him and more sure-footedly into the little grove, finding a spot to pull off her bag and drop it at the edge of the pond. ]
[ he follows her like a lost puppy, his chest aching with longing for another minute shared with her like that. he doesn't understand why she broke it off so suddenly when all the signs from earlier suggested she wanted the opposite.
he stops just a step behind her, under a tree where he can lean on the trunk and watch as she begins to shower the ducks with affection that should by all law go to him. ]
Alina... [ he starts, not even knowing what he's about to say. just wants her to turn around and look at him again. ]
[ he feels incredibly silly when she gives him that look. he averts her eye and just shakes his head in response. a bit flustered. ]
You've noticed how I can't take my eyes off you, haven't you?
[ more quietly now. there's been a question hanging in the air between them the whole time, and he just can't tell if she's been ignoring it or if she hasn't paid enough attention. he's been watching her in the bookstore like he was obsessed, fully distracted from his job. made so many excuses to be with her. ]
[ the question sits a little uneasy with her. maybe it's the remote pond, maybe it's the shift in his disposition, or the intensity of his statement. but she has an uneasy sense of having misread the situation.
she closes her bag back up and rises back to her full height, much smaller than him but at least upright enough to look like she's taking him seriously instead of giving half her attention. ]
I guess so. [ her smile is a little awkward now as she tries to measure the frequency with which she has indeed noticed. ] It's sweet. [ a beat. ] Did I do something wrong?
[ he responds hastily as his heart sinks. Alina's looking at him like she didn't even know what he was talking about. "i guess so"?? did he imagine the moment they shared just now? ]
I just think you're really beautiful. [ he confesses, the look on his face truly open and genuine, but he doesn't leave her time to answer as he steps to her side and gestures at the bread. ] Can I help with that?
[ she blinks. it's hard to imagine why he thinks that. alina has been called ethnic slurs and a stick and when she looks at herself, they're all she can see. slim bony prominences, hollows where most people would prefer curves. in some ways she has stubbornly embraced these parts of herself, as if claiming them would take away the power other people have to make her hate them, but —
she's never been able to call them beautiful. she's only ever felt beautiful when aleksander looked at her. had she missed the same expression on felipe's face, caught up as she has been in all her own chaos?
she catches his hand. ]
Wait. [ she turns with his movement, draws nearer to him again, studies his face. ] What did you come out here for?
[ he just stares at her for a moment, not sure what she means by the question. if she's calling him out for trying something with her, he thinks he's innocent. perhaps a kiss was what he was hoping for – but nothing more.
if she didn't know that this was a date – well, then he's really going to jump into that lake. ]
I wanted to be with you.
[ he stays still, but moves his hand so that he can squeeze hers. his palm is a bit clammy. his dark eyes wide and vulnerable. ]
[ she takes another step closer, in his personal space now, less than a foot between them. the kind of space that either one could close if they decided to. she searches his expression, which has the look of naked panic. ]
But I can't shake the feeling there's something else you're looking for. Are you going to tell me what it is?
[ she could literally push him over if she only wanted to. he's truly infatuated with her. she's everything and he's just a ken.
he takes a trembling breath before closing the distance between them. they're both just studying each other now. she looks at him like she's expecting something and he watches for her reaction. waits a moment before tipping his head down slightly. stops just before their mouths touch. whispers because he still doesn't know what to think of this and because he can feel her breath on his skin. ]
[ she doesn't answer him. not directly, at least. instead, she brings her free hand up to the side of his neck and leans onto her tiptoes to close the gap between them, to seal her mouth against his in a cautious, gentle kiss.
it lacks the confident fervor with which she has drawn herself up against aleksander, the way she pours herself into him. she does not want that heat, that desperation, that vulnerability with felipe. she wants something safe and comfortable, something that would suit a different alina starkov, the girl that she might have been, instead of the queen and saint and mess that she is.
but it is sweet and warm and intoxicating. the tickle of his facial hair against her cheek, her chin, makes her smile against his lips. her hand moves down to the front of his shirt, curling in a fistful of the fabric as if to hold him there. ]
[ it's such a dreamy scenario. them kissing by the lake, surrounded by green and ducks. it could be from one of the ballads he loves so much.
when Alina kisses him, it nearly stuns him, but he's quick to recover and slip an arm around her waist to pull her closer. gives her one of those fairy tale kisses too, slow and carefully passionate. she's just as lovely as he ever hoped her to be, which is amazing considering he didn't even know her that well. he just knew that they shared a connection – a theory Alina almost had him doubting just seconds ago. ]
Yeah, that. [ he murmurs against her lips before he chases after another kiss. ]
[ she laughs against his lips, delighting in his shyness and in the way the tension melts out of him as she cuts through it. she moves her arms up around his shoulders, head tilting as she settles into the kiss, drawing him closer to her. basking in it.
her fingers tangle in the hair at the base of his neck, toying with it, and slowly, her lips part to him, deepening the kiss. ]
[ there's joy in it, which makes kissing her all the way sweeter. his head is already spinning from all the possibilities – how they'll steal quick kisses between the shelves at work and how in the future they'll refer to this as their first date. he's unable to stop himself from imagining all these things because that's what she's mostly been all this time – a daydream.
he tilts his head too, fits the mouths together seamlessly and claims the opening provided for him. she's soft in his arms and he leans down after her so she doesn't have to reach for him. which was cute too. ]
Alina... [ he says softly as the kiss finally breaks. smiles as he gently teases her. ] What was it you came here for, hm?
[ the question threatens the edges of her smile. she gives her lungs the chance to catch up, staying in his arms, sharing breath. slowly, she scrapes her teeth over her lower lip, searching herself for the answer.
what had she come for? the answer is unflattering, for them both. she wanted to escape, to avoid thinking about all the skeletons that had fallen out of closets with the trip to the castle. to sneak away somewhere with someone who did not expect her to be all the things that alina starkov is expected to be and just forget about it a while.
that's not the worst thing in the world, is it? he'd felt the same. he knew he would return home to his world, and he was eager to make deals for just that. there's nothing serious here. it's fleeting, temporary, a little empty. ]
I came so that I wouldn't have to think for a little while. [ she admits that, but she's cautious about doing it. wondering if it will sting. she hasn't forgotten how easy it was for her to wound nikolai. ] To have fun, somewhere peaceful, with someone who doesn't expect me to be a certain way.
[ it's not the first part that stings so much, it's the second and what's written between the lines. the truth is, he truly expected her to be a certain way. had a whole narrative prepared in his head. the cute girl from the bookstore who falls for him.
then she says that she came here for fun and his expression sours a little. he doesn't know what to make of it, doesn't know how to make that piece fit into his puzzle. ]
We can have all the fun you want. [ he tries to force his expression neutral but sadly fails at it because his heart was on his sleeve and it kind of fell out. ]
[ there it is again, flitting across his expression. alina finally pins down the emotion as disappointment.
it rankles her. the most defensive and bitter parts of her want to reach for a preemptive rebuff — to passive aggressively shove a wedge where there doesn't need to be one so she doesn't have to confront her own hurt over being the disappointment.
but she is unbalanced by it, by the way she had been willing to crack open her needs and offer this one out to him, only to find that he is disappointed, even resentful, of it.
she withdraws her arms, the little ache in her expression going unremarked. she turns from him to her bag, crouching at it, fishing out a stale loaf of bread. her fingers study the rough crust a moment. ]
Uh. Here. [ she clears her throat, turns to look over her shoulder at him and offers it up to him. ]
[ the special moment between them shriveled up and died a sad death. Felipe takes the offered bread, smiling a little. unconvincingly. maybe part of him wants Alina to see it, to realize her mistake. ]
Thanks.
[ he turns his attention to the lake as he starts ripping pieces of the loaf for the birds. he looks down at his hands like it was important. ]
[ she takes another loaf, settles down in a sitting position at the lake's edge. she rests her arms on the bend of her knees as she tears pieces of bread off. ]
It used to be everyone looked at me like I was garbage. Like I was nothing. I thought I'd give anything to change that, but now ... It's like I have to be everything. They want me to be the answer to all their hopes and their fears, but not to complain either. To do exactly what they need from me, and to need nothing myself.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ she's been dissociating about it anyway, so like ]
action
when Felipe shows up to pick her up from work, he's also brought something – a bottle of wine and some flowers he got from the market. on the way to the lake he casually catches her hand and holds it as they walk. filling in every box in that perfect date bingo card. intent on making up for the horror castle.
the ducks are there waiting for them when they get to the lake and he points them out for her – an excuse to set his hand on her shoulder and get close. ]
We should go round from there. You sure you brought enough to eat for them all? [ because there's a lot of ducks. ] And us?
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The goal isn't to feed every duck, you realize. [ but she has a canvas bag hanging over her opposite shoulder, full with stale bread for the ducks and less stale bread and cheese for the two of them. ]
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I wouldn't want any duck to go home hungry tonight.
[ there's a part of the lake where it narrows down and someone has placed stepping stones to enable crossing it. Felipe goes first. jumps from stone to stone and then waits on the opposite side for Alina to follow so he can catch her. ]
Come, I got you.
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satisfied, she skips across each step of the defacto path, reaching out to steady herself on him as she comes ashore and staggers into his arms.
there is a quickness about her breath and a twitch to the corners of her mouth that takes delight in these little acts of bravery, small transgressions. ]
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Got you.
[ he repeats, softer this time, drawing her so close to his chest that the flowers in the bag are in danger of being crushed. ]
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it feels like being in the meadow, with mal, but in this little dream, she can see felipe looking back at her with all the same wonder and hunger with which she had looked at mal for years, while he looked away.
and just like mal, he learns in that moment that the trouble isn't getting alina, but keeping her. she steadies herself in his arms, then withdraws, moving past him and more sure-footedly into the little grove, finding a spot to pull off her bag and drop it at the edge of the pond. ]
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he stops just a step behind her, under a tree where he can lean on the trunk and watch as she begins to shower the ducks with affection that should by all law go to him. ]
Alina... [ he starts, not even knowing what he's about to say. just wants her to turn around and look at him again. ]
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[ she crouches beside the bag and opens it up, but stops just before unloading loaves to look up at him, a smile on her face. ]
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You've noticed how I can't take my eyes off you, haven't you?
[ more quietly now. there's been a question hanging in the air between them the whole time, and he just can't tell if she's been ignoring it or if she hasn't paid enough attention. he's been watching her in the bookstore like he was obsessed, fully distracted from his job. made so many excuses to be with her. ]
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she closes her bag back up and rises back to her full height, much smaller than him but at least upright enough to look like she's taking him seriously instead of giving half her attention. ]
I guess so. [ her smile is a little awkward now as she tries to measure the frequency with which she has indeed noticed. ] It's sweet. [ a beat. ] Did I do something wrong?
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Ah, no. Not at all.
[ he responds hastily as his heart sinks. Alina's looking at him like she didn't even know what he was talking about. "i guess so"?? did he imagine the moment they shared just now? ]
I just think you're really beautiful. [ he confesses, the look on his face truly open and genuine, but he doesn't leave her time to answer as he steps to her side and gestures at the bread. ] Can I help with that?
(cw: fantasy racism and body shaming)
she's never been able to call them beautiful. she's only ever felt beautiful when aleksander looked at her. had she missed the same expression on felipe's face, caught up as she has been in all her own chaos?
she catches his hand. ]
Wait. [ she turns with his movement, draws nearer to him again, studies his face. ] What did you come out here for?
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if she didn't know that this was a date – well, then he's really going to jump into that lake. ]
I wanted to be with you.
[ he stays still, but moves his hand so that he can squeeze hers. his palm is a bit clammy. his dark eyes wide and vulnerable. ]
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[ she takes another step closer, in his personal space now, less than a foot between them. the kind of space that either one could close if they decided to. she searches his expression, which has the look of naked panic. ]
But I can't shake the feeling there's something else you're looking for. Are you going to tell me what it is?
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he takes a trembling breath before closing the distance between them. they're both just studying each other now. she looks at him like she's expecting something and he watches for her reaction. waits a moment before tipping his head down slightly. stops just before their mouths touch. whispers because he still doesn't know what to think of this and because he can feel her breath on his skin. ]
Can I?
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it lacks the confident fervor with which she has drawn herself up against aleksander, the way she pours herself into him. she does not want that heat, that desperation, that vulnerability with felipe. she wants something safe and comfortable, something that would suit a different alina starkov, the girl that she might have been, instead of the queen and saint and mess that she is.
but it is sweet and warm and intoxicating. the tickle of his facial hair against her cheek, her chin, makes her smile against his lips. her hand moves down to the front of his shirt, curling in a fistful of the fabric as if to hold him there. ]
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when Alina kisses him, it nearly stuns him, but he's quick to recover and slip an arm around her waist to pull her closer. gives her one of those fairy tale kisses too, slow and carefully passionate. she's just as lovely as he ever hoped her to be, which is amazing considering he didn't even know her that well. he just knew that they shared a connection – a theory Alina almost had him doubting just seconds ago. ]
Yeah, that. [ he murmurs against her lips before he chases after another kiss. ]
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her fingers tangle in the hair at the base of his neck, toying with it, and slowly, her lips part to him, deepening the kiss. ]
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he tilts his head too, fits the mouths together seamlessly and claims the opening provided for him. she's soft in his arms and he leans down after her so she doesn't have to reach for him. which was cute too. ]
Alina... [ he says softly as the kiss finally breaks. smiles as he gently teases her. ] What was it you came here for, hm?
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what had she come for? the answer is unflattering, for them both. she wanted to escape, to avoid thinking about all the skeletons that had fallen out of closets with the trip to the castle. to sneak away somewhere with someone who did not expect her to be all the things that alina starkov is expected to be and just forget about it a while.
that's not the worst thing in the world, is it? he'd felt the same. he knew he would return home to his world, and he was eager to make deals for just that. there's nothing serious here. it's fleeting, temporary, a little empty. ]
I came so that I wouldn't have to think for a little while. [ she admits that, but she's cautious about doing it. wondering if it will sting. she hasn't forgotten how easy it was for her to wound nikolai. ] To have fun, somewhere peaceful, with someone who doesn't expect me to be a certain way.
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then she says that she came here for fun and his expression sours a little. he doesn't know what to make of it, doesn't know how to make that piece fit into his puzzle. ]
We can have all the fun you want. [ he tries to force his expression neutral but sadly fails at it because his heart was on his sleeve and it kind of fell out. ]
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it rankles her. the most defensive and bitter parts of her want to reach for a preemptive rebuff — to passive aggressively shove a wedge where there doesn't need to be one so she doesn't have to confront her own hurt over being the disappointment.
but she is unbalanced by it, by the way she had been willing to crack open her needs and offer this one out to him, only to find that he is disappointed, even resentful, of it.
she withdraws her arms, the little ache in her expression going unremarked. she turns from him to her bag, crouching at it, fishing out a stale loaf of bread. her fingers study the rough crust a moment. ]
Uh. Here. [ she clears her throat, turns to look over her shoulder at him and offers it up to him. ]
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Thanks.
[ he turns his attention to the lake as he starts ripping pieces of the loaf for the birds. he looks down at his hands like it was important. ]
What do people normally expect from you?
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[ she takes another loaf, settles down in a sitting position at the lake's edge. she rests her arms on the bend of her knees as she tears pieces of bread off. ]
It used to be everyone looked at me like I was garbage. Like I was nothing. I thought I'd give anything to change that, but now ... It's like I have to be everything. They want me to be the answer to all their hopes and their fears, but not to complain either. To do exactly what they need from me, and to need nothing myself.
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