ludomania | inbox

He's fine. It was really embarrassing, actually. I was the one staying to keep him company, but I must have fallen asleep. He brought me back here. [ she laughs. ] Anyway. That's not the point. The point is that I want to make it up to you. I owe you a proper date. Assuming you're not running the other way.

[ he still doesn't think it's as simple as that, but he won't press on it. not when he's being asked on a date. ]

Where would I run off to? We work at the same place. [ thanks to him. Felipe laughs softly. ] What would you like to do?

I think we should feed the ducks.

[ this is a resolute idea that she came up with literally on the spot. ]

[ that earns a chuckle. ]

The ducks? You like ducks?

I like quiet places with people I like.

[ a beat. ]

And I like drawing, and animals make better subjects than people.

[ interesting. ]

Then we're going to feed the ducks.

Are you going to draw? I don't mind.

[ he thinks he could watch her draw stupid ducks for hours. ]

That doesn't sound particularly fun for you.

[ she laughs. ]

I don't know. Some time ago I wouldn't have thought that work could be fun, but now it's all I want to do.

[ if he can get into books, he can get into ducks too. ]

When should I come pick you up?

We can go tomorrow evening, after work. I'll bring something for us to eat, too.

Sounds good. And we can just forget about what happened at the castle.

I would love that.

[ she's been dissociating about it anyway, so like ]

[ they can dissociate together. it'll be romantic.

when Felipe shows up to pick her up from work, he's also brought something – a bottle of wine and some flowers he got from the market. on the way to the lake he casually catches her hand and holds it as they walk. filling in every box in that perfect date bingo card. intent on making up for the horror castle.

the ducks are there waiting for them when they get to the lake and he points them out for her – an excuse to set his hand on her shoulder and get close. ]

We should go round from there. You sure you brought enough to eat for them all? [ because there's a lot of ducks. ] And us?

[ she laughs, slipping her arm around his back as he moves in close. less shy about it than he is, more willing to bump her hip against his and lean into the gentle touches that he has been building up over the short hike. ]

The goal isn't to feed every duck, you realize. [ but she has a canvas bag hanging over her opposite shoulder, full with stale bread for the ducks and less stale bread and cheese for the two of them. ]

[ seeing that she's not against his advances makes his heart do a happy little jig in his chest. he was prepared to take the slow route and yearn after her silently, but this is better than he even dared to hope for. ]

I wouldn't want any duck to go home hungry tonight.

[ there's a part of the lake where it narrows down and someone has placed stepping stones to enable crossing it. Felipe goes first. jumps from stone to stone and then waits on the opposite side for Alina to follow so he can catch her. ]

Come, I got you.

[ she is careful only on the first step — sticking out her foot to test the grip of her sole on it, ensuring that the boots are sturdy enough and not too slick on the wet stone.

satisfied, she skips across each step of the defacto path, reaching out to steady herself on him as she comes ashore and staggers into his arms.

there is a quickness about her breath and a twitch to the corners of her mouth that takes delight in these little acts of bravery, small transgressions. ]

[ he laughs, clearly pleased with her recklessness, and pulls her to himself as she comes flying from the pond. she's so animated, so full of life and he finds it difficult not to stare at her mouth and her dark lashes when she's in his arms. finally, a rare moment of stillness between them. ]

Got you.

[ he repeats, softer this time, drawing her so close to his chest that the flowers in the bag are in danger of being crushed. ]

[ he does. and she leans into him, savoring the closeness of the moment. she wants the simplicity of this. it feels like playing a role of a different alina, the alina that she might have been if she weren't the sun summoner or a saint or (apparently) the queen-to-be of ravka.

it feels like being in the meadow, with mal, but in this little dream, she can see felipe looking back at her with all the same wonder and hunger with which she had looked at mal for years, while he looked away.

and just like mal, he learns in that moment that the trouble isn't getting alina, but keeping her. she steadies herself in his arms, then withdraws, moving past him and more sure-footedly into the little grove, finding a spot to pull off her bag and drop it at the edge of the pond. ]

[ he follows her like a lost puppy, his chest aching with longing for another minute shared with her like that. he doesn't understand why she broke it off so suddenly when all the signs from earlier suggested she wanted the opposite.

he stops just a step behind her, under a tree where he can lean on the trunk and watch as she begins to shower the ducks with affection that should by all law go to him. ]

Alina... [ he starts, not even knowing what he's about to say. just wants her to turn around and look at him again. ]

Yeah?

[ she crouches beside the bag and opens it up, but stops just before unloading loaves to look up at him, a smile on her face. ]

[ he feels incredibly silly when she gives him that look. he averts her eye and just shakes his head in response. a bit flustered. ]

You've noticed how I can't take my eyes off you, haven't you?

[ more quietly now. there's been a question hanging in the air between them the whole time, and he just can't tell if she's been ignoring it or if she hasn't paid enough attention. he's been watching her in the bookstore like he was obsessed, fully distracted from his job. made so many excuses to be with her. ]

[ the question sits a little uneasy with her. maybe it's the remote pond, maybe it's the shift in his disposition, or the intensity of his statement. but she has an uneasy sense of having misread the situation.

she closes her bag back up and rises back to her full height, much smaller than him but at least upright enough to look like she's taking him seriously instead of giving half her attention. ]

I guess so. [ her smile is a little awkward now as she tries to measure the frequency with which she has indeed noticed. ] It's sweet. [ a beat. ] Did I do something wrong?

[ he's going to drown himself into that lake. ]

Ah, no. Not at all.

[ he responds hastily as his heart sinks. Alina's looking at him like she didn't even know what he was talking about. "i guess so"?? did he imagine the moment they shared just now? ]

I just think you're really beautiful. [ he confesses, the look on his face truly open and genuine, but he doesn't leave her time to answer as he steps to her side and gestures at the bread. ] Can I help with that?

[ she blinks. it's hard to imagine why he thinks that. alina has been called ethnic slurs and a stick and when she looks at herself, they're all she can see. slim bony prominences, hollows where most people would prefer curves. in some ways she has stubbornly embraced these parts of herself, as if claiming them would take away the power other people have to make her hate them, but —

she's never been able to call them beautiful. she's only ever felt beautiful when aleksander looked at her. had she missed the same expression on felipe's face, caught up as she has been in all her own chaos?

she catches his hand. ]

Wait. [ she turns with his movement, draws nearer to him again, studies his face. ] What did you come out here for?

[ he just stares at her for a moment, not sure what she means by the question. if she's calling him out for trying something with her, he thinks he's innocent. perhaps a kiss was what he was hoping for – but nothing more.

if she didn't know that this was a date – well, then he's really going to jump into that lake. ]

I wanted to be with you.

[ he stays still, but moves his hand so that he can squeeze hers. his palm is a bit clammy. his dark eyes wide and vulnerable. ]

You are with me.

[ she takes another step closer, in his personal space now, less than a foot between them. the kind of space that either one could close if they decided to. she searches his expression, which has the look of naked panic. ]

But I can't shake the feeling there's something else you're looking for. Are you going to tell me what it is?

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(cw: fantasy racism and body shaming)

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